Welcome to the INTRAWEB!!! O_O

I hate my life.

I hate everyone around me. They're all a bunch of fucking idiots who don't give a shit about anything but their god damn fashion and pathetic high school love lives. It all makes me so fucking sick.

My parents won't let me leave to go to Canada early. They said that I'm not prepared for the world and that I don't know how to do anything for myself. Fuck them. 

I wish everyone would die and leave me with Doug alone.

I'm hearing voices. They whisper in my ear, right beside me. Every time I hear them it feels like the worlds are literally licking at my brain. It makes me dizzy and confused. I can never make out what the voices are saying though and they don't come that often.

Thanatopsis

To him who in the love of nature holds
Communion with her visible forms, she speaks
A various language; for his gayer hours
She has a voice of gladness, and a smile
And eloquence of beauty; and she glides
Into his darker musings, with a mild
And healing sympathy that steals away
Their sharpness ere he is aware. When thoughts
Of the last bitter hour come like a blight
Over thy spirit, and sad images
Of the stern agony, and shroud, and pall,
And breathless darkness, and the narrow house,
Make thee to shudder, and grow sick at heart;--
Go forth, under the open sky, and list
To Nature's teachings, while from all around--
Earth and her waters, and the depths of air--
Comes a still voice. Yet a few days, and thee
The all-beholding sun shall see no more
In all his course; nor yet in the cold ground,
Where thy pale form was laid, with many tears,
Nor in the embrace of ocean, shall exist
Thy image. Earth, that nourished thee, shall claim
Thy growth, to be resolved to earth again,
And, lost each human trace, surrendering up
Thine individual being, shalt thou go
To mix forever with the elements,
To be a brother to the insensible rock
And to the sluggish clod, which the rude swain
Turns with his share, and treads upon. The oak
Shall send his roots abroad, and pierce thy mold.

Yet not to thine eternal resting-place
Shalt thou retire alone, nor couldst thou wish
Couch more magnificent. Thou shalt lie down
With patriarchs of the infant world -- with kings,
The powerful of the earth -- the wise, the good,
Fair forms, and hoary seers of ages past,
All in one mighty sepulchre. The hills
Rock-ribbed and ancient as the sun, -- the vales
Stretching in pensive quietness between;
The venerable woods -- rivers that move
In majesty, and the complaining brooks
That make the meadows green; and, poured round all,
Old Ocean's gray and melancholy waste,--
Are but the solemn decorations all
Of the great tomb of man. The golden sun,
The planets, all the infinite host of heaven,
Are shining on the sad abodes of death
Through the still lapse of ages. All that tread
The globe are but a handful to the tribes
That slumber in its bosom. -- Take the wings
Of morning, pierce the Barcan wilderness,
Or lose thyself in the continuous woods
Where rolls the Oregon, and hears no sound,
Save his own dashings -- yet the dead are there:
And millions in those solitudes, since first
The flight of years began, have laid them down
In their last sleep -- the dead reign there alone.

So shalt thou rest -- and what if thou withdraw
In silence from the living, and no friend
Take note of thy departure? All that breathe
Will share thy destiny. The gay will laugh
When thou art gone, the solemn brood of care
Plod on, and each one as before will chase
His favorite phantom; yet all these shall leave
Their mirth and their employments, and shall come
And make their bed with thee. As the long train
Of ages glides away, the sons of men--
The youth in life's fresh spring, and he who goes
In the full strength of years, matron and maid,
The speechless babe, and the gray-headed man--
Shall one by one be gathered to thy side,
By those, who in their turn, shall follow them.

So live, that when thy summons comes to join
The innumerable caravan, which moves
To that mysterious realm, where each shall take
His chamber in the silent halls of death,
Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,
Scourged to his dungeon, but, sustained and soothed
By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave
Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch
About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.

    I admit it; deep down I guess I am still a Christian. I have denounced God on several occasions, more than 5 times. I have turned my back on him, because things weren't going the way I wanted them to go. I told myself that if a God did exist than I didn't want to worship him becasue of all the bad and evil things that he allows to go on in the world. I said that I'd rather be in Hell than in Heaven. I didn't mean any of those things, I was confused and didn't understand. I had an epiphany last night.

    Last night I was reading about near death experiences were people went to Hell or were shown what Hell is like. I read of such horrible things - demons, eternal agony and pain, things that I never wanted to lay my eyes on. I knew that I was destined to be there. I could feel the evil around me all night. I sat in my room, on my bed, clutching my great-grandmothers rosary and cried and cried. I found comfort in her rosary and stopped crying about 20 minutes afterwards.

    I remember once while I was sitting on my bed, alone in my room, I questioned God and the existance of the Devil. In my mind, I insulted Satan, trying subconsciously to conjure him, to prove to myself that a higher being did exist. I remember laughing and practically begging the Devil to show himself. It's hard for me to describe what happened next. I heard inside my head 'yes' and this mental image just came flooding into my mind. This long, purple tongue licked my brain as the word 'yes' rolled off. I could literally feel my brain being "licked." I know it sounds weird, but thats what happened. I know, it's totally weird and freaking, I'm just so confused.

    Things have been shitty today. Doug went over to his moms for awhile, so since he's been gone things have been horrible! My mom was asleep for most of the morning, so I thought it would be nice to just clean up a bit for her. I finished my own laundry and folded and hung up everything, I  rinsed and stacked all the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen, I straightened up the living room and around the computer, and even hung up and put away my dads clothes and put the towels away. By the time I was finished, my dad came home. He's been giving me shit all morning since he came home. I told him I was like cold and he started bitching at me and saying that I was cold because I never exercise, that I just sit at the computer or sleep all day. That really hurt when he said that. Yes, I do sit at the computer a lot. Yes, when I got home from school sometimes I do take a short nap. But I do a hell of a lot more than that! I am constantly getting up and down tending to my mom, going with her to the store and running errands with her. I'm working my ass off in school, trying to pass all of my classes! To make matters even worse, my mom didn't even stick up for me. I hate this family. I hate my parents stupid attitudes and how they treat me sometimes.

    I know that my parents are concerned about me going to Canada next year, but all they've done since I told them I'm leaving is cut me down. They constantly remind me that I've never had any work experience, that I don't even have a drivers license, that I can't do this and I can't do that. They just believe in me. They think I'll end up homeless or lost somewhere. I understand how they feel, that they are scared for me, but come on! They make me feel like shit and no matter how many times I tell them that I'll be okay, that I'll have Doug, that this is what I want in life, they just think I'll end up screwing everything up. My mom even told me yesterday that she feels like I am just throwing my life and my future away! I wish they would just leave me alone or at least keep their mouths shut!

    I am so sick of doing everything for my mom. I bring her food, I get her drinks, I do this, I do that. She says 'thanks' and thats it. I feel so worthless sometimes. People that I think are my friends are constantly saying how stupid I am, etc. I know that they are just kidding, but it hurts. I've tried to tell them that it hurts my feelings, but they never really listen. I just feel so beat down. I feel like the whole fucking world, except for Doug, is against me and is just waiting for me to fuck up so they could say ' I told you so' or 'I knew you couldn't do it.' I feel like such a failure.

     All I want out of life right now is to be with Doug. I would sacrifice everything to just be in his arms or hold his hand. I wish I could just sleep until 10 months is up when I can be with him. Everything in my life, except Doug, is horrible. Without Doug, I don't think I would be alive right now. Before I even met him, 5 months ago, I was already contemplating suicide and he saved me for myself. Without him, I probably would have gone through with my plans. Then maybe everyone would have understood the deep sorrow and hate that I have inside.

    I've been having a lot of problems lately! A couple of weeks ago I went to see my psychiatrist. He decided to put me on a new medication. Great! So now I'm taking 4 different meds - 3 of which are psych. meds that have been known to cause suicidal tendencies in teenagers! Grreeeaaatt! They're are working, I guess. I feel hyper and awake, not like before, where I was tired and zombie-like all the time. But honestly... I don't know, I don't WANT to be happy. Well, no, that's not true. I just want to be with Doug and be happy WITH HIM! It's so hard being so far from him!

    School is going alright I guess. I'm still having a little trouble in math and latin II. Mostly in latin! Sooo much grammar that our class didn't learn last year! But I'm trying to bring it up! In two weeks, we're getting our progress reports! I hope I have a decent grade in latin - atleast a C+ or better! I'm so nervous that I'm going to fail high school, but I guess it doesn't matter too much, since I'll be going to a new school next year anyway. *sigh* Sooo much pressure - no wonder I'm always so stressed out!